That song from Aladdin resonates through my mind when I think of a whole new world. But the new world I’m talking about was anything but a sappy love-song from a Disney movie.
Simply stated but a complete understatement.
After finding out I was indeed pregnant I wanted to let sperm donor know. That wasn’t going to be so easy though considering he had my means of communication and transportation. For some reason I thought that if I told him immediately then he would leave the party and the life he was living and come straight to me ready to change his life for me and this little person growing inside of me. I can’t remember why now, but MJ and I went to wal-mart and I used a pay phone to call sperm donor. In true sperm donor fashion he was a complete ass and didn’t even believe me. I went back to MJ’s with her and slumbered into a deep hole on her couch until the wee hours of the night when sperm donor came rolling in drunk as a skunk.
I rarely regret anything in my life because I see all mistakes as an opportunity to learn and mature from. However, this is not the case in the decision I made to stay with sperm donor. I really thought that I could change him and that we could live a happy life. Who wouldn’t want to change their life around for their own child? There are so many pieces of me that wish I would have walked away right then and there. Before he had the opportunity to bring me down or walk away from us. I didn’t walk away though. Instead I tried to hide everything that he was and what he was doing from everyone who loved me and all those who had already done so much for me. And I have to live with that.
Bars and Hospitals.
Sperm donor showed no improvement in the early days of my pregnancy. I was searching for him in random bars across town and fearing for my life and the life that was growing inside of me while he was out spending money I had earned.
I was extremely sick for most of my pregnancy. Morning sickness turned into all-day and night sickness and lasted most of my pregnancy. I was hospitalized around my fourth month for a kidney infection and while I was lying in a hospital bed he was gambling and drinking. I had no idea how bad things were.
The Sober Month.
We moved into a bigger apartment in a better part of town and for awhile sperm donor was actually sober. At least I believed he was. It only lasted a few weeks though. And in those few weeks I really thought that something had changed in him. That maybe he realized how precious the life growing inside of me was and that he needed to change his life for her and really for himself. For three weeks he was the sober person that I had been looking for, for months. I was able to convince all of my friends that he was doing better, attending NA meetings, and was on the road to recovery. We had a nice Christmas and were able to afford getting gifts for each other and for our families.
It didn’t last at all.
We were scheduled to make a visit to his family over New Year’s. The night before we left he went out and didn’t come home. We still managed to make the trip to Philly but I was angry the entire time. I wanted to tell his family so badly but I didn’t want to ruin the trip.
When we came home he kept getting worse. I was hospitalized again and this time I needed surgery. After my surgery he was gone again. I can only imagine the things he was doing. My family was starting to notice that I was always depressed and that I was making excuses for his whereabouts or why we didn’t have any money. He had gotten laid off from work and our only income was unemployment and some money I was making from babysitting occasionally. His mom sent us money so that we could pay our rent and have a little bit to live off of until he found a job. He went to the post office to pick the certified check for $1000 that she had sent.
I didn’t see or hear from him for a week…