Wednesday, November 12

Elaborating

This is my life -- beautiful and full.

I am a mother. I'd like to think that I am a good mother. Sometimes when my rotten 19 month old wacks me in the face, or throws a tantrum in public I started to wonder if I truly am. But I know I am. I love her. Love does not even begin to describe the way I feel for her. She is me life. She is beautiful and hilarious...and she is mine. She amazes me more and more each day. The sentences she is putting together, the dance moves she has coined as her own, and the laughter that fills the house. If she is the only success I have for the rest of my life, that will be enough.

I am a lover. I'd like to say I am a wife, but we are not to that point yet. Working on it though. We have a house. We have been remodeling for a few months now, even though it feels more like years. It is nearing its end -- the house that is. And we are getting ready to take the plunge, and move in, together, as a family. I am ecstatic. This is what I have been longing for and working towards. Yet, I am nervous as well. Mostly about finding a new babysitter. How will anyone compare to the woman that Ava has come to adore and feel comfortable with? So yes, I am a lover, i.e. girlfriend to one amazingly wonderful, handsome man whom I love very, very much. Marriage is definitly in our cards. =)

I am a friend. There have been times in my life where I may have fallen and my friendhsip skills were lacking, but I would like to believe that I have made up for all those times. Those times were hard, embarressing, and lonely. I could not be a friend for anyone when I was not a friend for myself. Life has changed. I am me again. I am, at least I believe I am, easy to talk to, fun to be around, and someone that can be relied upon and trusted. I love my friends. They complete me. Without them, I would not be here. I would not be who, or what I am. At least not successfully. When I talk to and hang out with my friends I feel like I am truly living. Thining back to all of the wonderful times we've shared is so bittersweet. I miss those moments. I miss driving around for hours -- singing, smoking, talking, getting lost, taking pictures. I miss being carefree and able to be there at the drop of the dime for anyone, anytime. However, it is also nice to be grown and to have structure to life. Being a mom changes everything. And I am not saying that that is a bad thing. I have completely embraced being a mother. But it does change all of those friendships. I can still be there for all of my friends whenever they need me, but that might not mean physically. I can't stay out until 4 a.m. talking, eating, and driving. I can't drive around the town with pine trees in my diet coke. I am an adult, a mother -- and those things are just not responsible for me anymore. But oh how I miss them. Maybe just one more time for old time sakes?

I am a daughter. Sometimes I am not the best daughter either. I have disappointed my parents more than a time or two. Hell, who am I kidding? It's more like more than a dozen times or two. I am still disappointing them. My mom is very disappointed that I am moving out. I think she is more sad than anything though. I'm not sure how much she will miss me, but she is going to be heartbroken over missing Ava. And I do feel terrible about that. This will be a big change for Ava as well, and she will miss her grandma loads. But it had to happen sometime. We were not going to be there forever, and she knew that. The time has come. And it's not like we are out of her lives forever. We will be 40 minutes away, a phone call away, and I'm sure we will have weekly visits. I want to make my parents proud. I'm not sure I have don that often in my adult life, but I hope to. It is a goal of mine. In making them proud, I will be proud of myself.

I am a sister. I have two brothers and a sister -- all older. My brothers are 16 years older and 10 years older. Quite a difference. I am not that close to them. As in I don;t share what is really happening in my life with them. We are in no way estranged, but we are not close. I love them and they have given me beautiful nieces and nephews to love. Then there is my sister. One of my nearest and dearest friends. That was not always the case as she is 8 years older than me. In our younger days we were all about name calling, hair pulling, and closet thieving. We have since grown out of all that. Well, occassionally we still name call and closet thief, but not like back in the day. She has given me 3 nephews whom I adore. We share things and occassionally get to spend time together. Not as often as I like. This should be added to my goal list -- spend more time with sister. Sounds good.

I am an aunt. With my brothers' kids and my sister's boys, I have 6 nieces, 4 nephews, and one great nephew. That is alot for a 22 year old girl. They are a lot tohandle, especially when all together. But I love them and cannot believe the time that has passed and how much they've all grown. Rachael is 21 and her son, Brodey, is one and a half. 26 days younger than my Ava. Alex and Darcie are both 17. Courtney is 15, followed by Ashton: 12, Micahla: 11, and Wyatt: 10. Then there are my sister's boys. Nicolas just turned 5, Bruce: 2, and Tyler will be one in a couple weeks. So many kids! I am very blessed.

These are the most important factors in my life that make up who I am. Of course there are other less important things -- I prefer cats to dogs, I love falling in love with a good country song but I can really let loose to a little Modest Mouse, I can't pass a crunchy leaf without stepping on it, tacos are incredible -- truly there are no words, my face gets flushed when I drink champagne, and I cry during commercials. Nevertheless, all of these are just a part of me, and they do not make me the way the aforementioned things do.

All of this just makes me love my life a little more today. At times, a lot of times, I feel miserable. I feel tired and unsuccessful, unattractive and lazy. But today, today I feel lucky and blessed. I do have a beautiful life. And if I am ever in doubt, I shall read this.

2 comments:

caitlin meadow said...

more than blessed, you are a blessing. i don't care if all we ever had is memories of pine trees and driving around until some ungodly hour, they were times that have influenced who we are today and we'll make more memories, with shiny rings and baby spit-up. you, sooner than me perhaps, but it will happen and i know without a shadow of a doubt that you will always be one of the most important parts of my life. thank you for your frienship, your honesty, and your heart. i know how it is to get down on yourself for who you aren't, but i will do my best to always remind you of who you are, just like you have always done for me. i love you with my whole entire defective little heart. haha. on a lighter note, i'm glad we've discovered eachother in the world of blogging.

avasmommy said...

oh how i love you cait! you never fail to bring tears to my eyes with your comforting words. some may read this and take it the worng way, but i seriously wish i could just hug and kiss you right now. i miss you, i miss that.

*come back from california
all of us here in ohio
are starved for your attention
starved for your attention*